Week 13: Peaches and One Third

Week 13...

One third down... two thirds (give or take, what, a month?) left to go.  I'm coming to terms with the fact that I've got a little bambino inside of me that has vocal cords, teeth, and fingerprints, abhors the smell of smoked meat, chicken, or coffee, and is enamored by snacking.

I know logically where all of this is going to go... staving off morning sickness, seeing my friends around me who are pregnant get bigger, and knowing that what is now the size of a peach will eventually weigh in around seven pounds.  And then, then I went to a bar-b-q this weekend, and sat with a friend who is about two weeks away from birth.  She is a tiny, athletic woman, and her pregnancy dominates her body.  In an hour sitting with her under the apple trees in the back yard, here are an assortment of comments:

"You look enormous!!"
"You are huge!  Weren't you due last week?"
"She (the baby) is really taking over your whole body!"
"Are you able to move around much?"

I know you aren't supposed to use vocabulary like "celestial, enormous, continental, colossal, elephantine" or other synonyms for "huge" when describing pregnant women.  And I was appalled by how frequently people felt free to discuss my friend's weight.  BUT, I also was almost compelled to discuss her size and I wanted to talk about my own mass in a way I have never cared about.  So, in preparation for the future, and as a helpful tool for those who may need to restrict their verbal diarrhea about weight, I'm offering up this "Non-Huge Thesaurus."  

CNP, 2014

In the world of the bambino, it is still making amazing advances in growth and development.  If it is a girl, it already has all of its eggs for later in life.  It has a coat of hair, and I think the most amazing aspect of my week was when my doctor brought my partner and me in for a quick ultrasound and we could see the hemispheres of the brain, legs, and frontal view.

CNP, 2014.

And now for the 'real' world.  I've told my work that I'm pregnant!  And the rest of the world awaits.

Until next week,
Cat

Week 12: Plums and Hot Dogs

Week 12...

Today, I drank coffee, snuck some brie, and dyed my hair.  Last night I was at a music festival in Telluride, and went out on the town at 11:30pm to hunt down the infamous “Diggity Dog” hot dog cart that graces the main street into the wee hours.  I ate possibly the most delicious hot dog I have ever had. 

CNP, 2014.

Let’s summarize the pregnancy do's and don’ts that I violated in 24 hours:

NO SOFT CHEESE!

NO HOT DOGS!

DON’T DYE YOUR HAIR!

NO CAFFEINE!

(wait, you were at a music festival?!?!) 

I don’t think I’m the The World’s Worst Pregnant Woman, but feel sometimes like I am rebelling against the bambino growing inside of me, or more so the rules that have been set for How to Be the Perfect Pregnant Woman, especially in the United States.  I think juggling all of the advice there is out there can get to anyone.  I'm just thankful right now that I don't look pregnant, so I can eat my frankfurter without getting pregnancy police stares.  

As for you little Bambino, considering that I might have thrown you a little loop with dye chemicals, processed meat, caffeine, and listeria bacteria in a 24 hour period,  I should check in with you to see how your world is progressing:

CNP, 2014.

You have fingernails.  This in itself absolutely astounds me.  I promise to only eat hotdogs in extreme circumstances.  Once a month.  Once a week.

Until next week,
Cat

Week 11: Drooling and Limes

Week 11: 

Most pregnancy books devote a line or two, at most, to one disturbing change I have come to recognize in my body this week.  "You may find you are producing excessive bodily fluids."  If by excessive, they mean that you wake up in the middle of the night with a pool on your pillow the size of the Dead Sea, then I get it.  Unfortunately, the adjective "excessive" doesn't really illustrate the incredible amount of drool I seem to be able to produce in seconds.

Think Zombie excessive.

CNP, 2014

Under normal circumstances, our bodies produce 1 1/2 quarts of saliva a day (which seems like a ridiculously large quantity already, doesn't it?).  During pregnancy, women experience ptyalism or sialorrhea, especially if they already have bouts of severe morning sickness.  Add the increased drooling to the nosebleeds some pregnant women get, and you have all the signs of a zombie apocalypse.

But even with all of these quirky changes, the fetus is still progressing through all of its development: it has an ENORMOUS head, but its skin is transparent and there isn't eye pigment yet.  It moves a lot (I could see it on the ultrasound), but its bones are just beginning to harden--both this and increased size will allow you to feel the bambino soon.

CNP, 2014

Until next week,
Cat

Week 10: 180bpm and Prunes

Week 10…

Three songs have defined my week:

Karma Chameleon: Boy George

Red Red Wine: UB40
I’m So Excited: The Pointer Sisters


What do they have in common?  They are all at approximately 180 beats per minute, the pace that the little bambino's heart is hammering away at.  These three songs kind of sum up my feelings about pregnancy right now too:

Karma Chameleon: there is some sort of odd music video going on in my body right now that I have absolutely no control over that makes me feel like I am seasick on a house-boat party I cannot drink at. (If you have no idea what I am talking about, you should watch the MTV video.  No, you really shouldn't, as it will maim your eyes and infest your ears with a 1980's virus for the next few days.)

I warned you. 

Red Red Wine: UB40 (Neil Diamond wrote it, but UB40's version is 182 bpm).  Not to harp on the whole drinking thing, but Red-Red-Wine is NOT making me feel so fine.  However, replace "red-red-wine" with "bambino" and you get the gist of why this song is so appropriate for me right now.
Finally, "I'm So Excited," by the Pointer Sisters.  I am so very excited.  So.  Excited.  

CNP, 2014.

I find it a little ironic that I am making friends with eating prunes this week myself.  Evidently, my body's increased levels of progesterone relax all of the smooth muscles in my system, including those in the digestive track.  Food is moving very. slowly. through my body.  Cliff notes?  I'm eating a lot of fiber, fruit, and testing out various theories that will help me to, well, go.  

Somewhere along the way, I discovered that prunes are absolutely delicious.  They might get a bad repletion as a geriatric throw-back, but especially once you discover them in their adorable-little-single-packaged-plump-goodness?  It is hard to exert self control.  I'd like to encourage you to try them for yourself, but you might want read "a beginner's guide to prune consumption" beforehand, so you don't make the same mistakes that I have.

CNP, 2014.

In the meantime, you'll find me making friends with prunes, both the little prune sized bambino in my womb, hammering away to Boy George, and literal ones.

Until next week, 
Cat

Week 9: Fairy Gifts and Olives

Week 9…

I think pictures best express my changes and experiences in week 9:

CNP, 2014

Pictures are worth 1,000 words, right?  I don't think I need to elaborate much more to capture the essence of… those particular changes to my body.

Pictures of the bambino, on the other hand, are a little less self explanatory.  I had my first ultrasound this week, and the photos of the little zygote aren't quite so clear.  It moved, and you could see its little heart hammering away at about 180 beats per minute, but a photograph doesn't do it much justice.  There is a head in there that takes up half of the entire body, and limb buds, and all of the other changes I have been diagramming on the produce aisle cartoons.  You'll have to take my word for it that seeing 'something' growing inside you is a fairly moving experience.

9 weeks, 5 days.

...Even if it does look a bit more like a green olive than I might wish…

CNP, 2014

Patience Cat, patience.

Until next week,
Cat

Week 8: Fake Drinking and Raspberries

Week 8...

CNP, 2014

I'm trying to be uber stealthy about being pregnant, and this poses some fairly serious issues for me.
1.  I am an extremely social person, in a very very very small town.  There is one pub, and one bar.  Everyone knows me at each establishment, and knows what I drink.  Showing up and ordering water would be akin to writing "I'm Pregnant!" on my forehead with a sharpie.
2.  Other social events include river trips, camping, music festivals, costume parties, and backyard barbecues.  All feature alcohol.
3.  My friends know me to be savvy with clever mix-drinks, and a connoisseur of bourbon.
4.  I was not willing to stay home and become a troll (although that does happen sometimes).

And except for the occasional 1/4 or 1/2 beer or wine, I'm not drinking.

Since I am writing this blog from the future, and I successfully kept my pregnancy secret from most people until the 13th week, I thought I'd share my top five "Fake Drinking Tips."  Before you read them though, you must promise not to expose any woman you see employing any of these secrets.  I'm letting you behind the proverbial curtain.  Bad things could happen if you transgress.  Agree?  Ok, read on.

Tip 1:
New non-alcoholic poser beverages: Snapple Green Tea looks enough like white wine to pass.  So does Welch's Light Grape Juice for red.  You can easily put these into a water bottle and refill your wine glass.

Tip 2:
Stealthy bathroom tricks: dump out your beer and fill it with water-if you have a bottle or a can.

Tip 3:
On the rocks: Order water, but always get it 'on the rocks' with a stirring straw and a lime.

Tip 4:
Drink for two:  I have a few close friends (and my partner, of course), who know I am pregnant.  They happily switch drinks with me all night, giving me a beer with an inch in the bottom, and trading me for mine, that has about an inch off the top.

Tip 5:
Pay off the bartender: For me, in a small town, this wasn't really possible, but in a larger anonymous setting, it works quite well.  Just make sure they serve your mocktail in a cocktail glass.  And tip well.


As for the bambino this week, it continues to steadily make its way through the produce aisle, and do amazing things like grow webbed fingers and toes.

CNP, 2014

Until next week,
Cat

Week 7: 'Morning' Sickness and Blueberries

Week 7...

Although I first scoffed at the idea of being sick during pregnancy, I have quickly come to realize that 'morning sickness' is a real, if not ephemeral and unexplainable condition.  I feel fine most of the time.  In the MORNING, that is, when all of this sickness is supposed to occur, right?

CNP, 2014

I wake up, feel wonderful, and have none of the difficulties that some women experience and stave off by keeping a box of saltine crackers by the bed.  By 5pm though, morning sickness rears its head, and suddenly foods that were absolutely delicious the week before make me gag even reading a menu.  It is worse if I do not engage in my newly discovered necessary activity.  Every two hours (and if I wait three I am sorry, very sorry) I must snack.  I feel like I have become part squirrel once I examine the little bags, tiger milk bars, and other various caches of food in my car, purse, and backpack.

Evidently, the technical term for morning sickness (as others must have also realized the incredible farce of the term) is "nausea and vomiting of pregnancy."  I agree that is doesn't have as nice of a ring to it.  What is also not very enlightening is the lack of agreement on what causes women to 'pray to the porcelain gods' for about two months.  I've read numerous papers and sites, and while some link it to the rise of human chorionic gonadotrophin (hCG), others argue that the rise of the hormone is correlative, not causative.  Some evidence cites increased salivation (I have been drooling, a lot...) or rises in estrogen levels wreaking havoc on the digestive system.  Most, in the end, throw up their hands and try to make it some sort of rite of passage and bonding experience.

Huh.  Me?  I stash granola bars.  Interestingly enough, women who experience no morning sickness at all are more likely to miscarry, as the increased sensitivity to foods has been linked to protecting the embryo from toxins--this was just in a 2010 paper in Human Reproduction.  I don't know why the little bambino inside of me abhors chicken right now, but it is pissed if it even smells it.

Speaking of "it:" the bambino is growing and developing like mad.  It is still classified as an embryo, complete with a little tail, but is doing amazing things like cranking out 100 brain cells per minute.

The embryo has now increased over 10,000 times in size from conception, although it is just the length of a tic-tac... ...or if you prefer the produce aisle reference, a blueberry.  Pretty amazing.

CNP, 2014

Until next week, with fake drinking tips everyone needs to know, and raspberries.
Cat

(FYI: I'll upload better copies of the cartoons soon, I've had a few people tell me these are hard sometimes hard to read.  Thanks for the feedback.)